The season of choice

God’s been actively drawing me closer to Him throughout this summer and especially since ARC concluded. At times I felt empty and lost without my closest friends around at all times. Yet something in my core was standing strong amidst my emotional weakness. As the days and weeks went on, God began to grow stronger and stronger within me. He was often speaking and it seemed that in my times of solitude my ears were being turned even closer without my knowing.

I was in a place of hopelessness in many areas of my life. Things seemed so stagnant and numbing. Then, out of the blue, God starts speaking to me. I felt Him calling me to a new place of dedication. In my carnal mind I was trying to piece together some sort of plan or schedule or pattern that I could follow to accomplish this new found calling. Yet, God was so sweet and simply told me, “Kristin, just start something and see what happens.” I was taken aback at first. “God,” I said, “you know better than anyone that this is how I work best, with plans and things.” Again I heard, “Don’t look backwards! Start something new, and see what I do with it!” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I felt a slight relief and yet confusion all at once.

In His great love for me, He directed me not by way of demands, but by way of desires. Rather than depriving myself of things and making this whole season more religious than it should be, God was teaching me the power of choice. [Choice: an option, a decision, an opportunity to choose or select something, one selection or preference.] God is becoming my preference in such deeper ways. Growing up in the all too comfortable ‘Christian bubble’ caused me to take for granted the amazingness of choosing God. It wasn’t a choice before, it just was and that was that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I truly and deeply love the Lord, but too often in years past God was not my first choice, whether I consciously knew it or not. Now, the closer He draws me into His heart, the stronger my desires are for Him and Him alone. I’ve been choosing God. I’ve been training my flesh to submit to my spirits only desire and that is to minister to the heart of God. This whole concept seems so simple. It’s not as if I haven’t walked through seasons of similarity before, but there is something very special about the purity with which He’s drawing me that almost makes me giddy! :)

And now, I feel that my choices previously this season have opened the door for God to shine his enormous light on and through me. Just recently there was an experience where I felt as though the Lord’s shadow was hovering over me and I could feel the weight of His breath as He remained close. As a worshipper there is a heightened sensitivity and passion for, well just about everything, built into our DNA. Because of that, I’ve always responded quicker when my spirit was touched. Without that emotion, there were plenty of times that I didn’t receive as much as I could have because ‘I wasn’t feeling it’. Through this past year, recent season and especially these past days, God has shown me that He’s taken my sensitivity to the spirit and drove it to such a deeper place. No longer does it feel like my spirit is waiting at the surface to jump when called. It feels as if my spirit is burrowed deep in the soil of God and begins erupting when stirred.

There has been this very apparent buzzing in my spirit, almost like the buzz you hear and feel when you are close to giant power wires. I’ve been feeling that electricity for over a week now. I can’t help but assume that God’s doing something within me that’s causing this feeling. Last weekend the Lord made me acutely aware of how BIG He is and how small I am in comparison. But He wasn’t showing me this in a way that made me feel any less valuable, more so, it bought this amazing comfort that I have this huge God to fall back on when I feel I’m in over my head. If only I had this revelation years ago…

God’s also been shedding light on areas of my past that I felt were healed and sealed. He’s making obvious connections and allowing my insecurities to be tested. I’m not sure what’s to come of these things that are so oddly and rapidly being brought to my attention, but I’m trying to soak them in as thoroughly as possible. It’s almost as if He’s taking my heart down the road of preparation for something that seems so far beyond my current sphere of life. Quiet questions are spinning in my mind. Yet all the while I hear His steady, peaceful voice saying, “Wait.” “Wait and see what I will do.” “Wait and you’ll know.” “Wait and you will understand.” I’m not completely convinced He realizes that He’s talking to one of His least patient children! No matter the length of time or cost of my flesh, I choose to wait on You!