Opportunity of a Lifetime

God's been working on my heart a lot recently. And because of that there have been all sorts of spiritual and emotional hurdles thrown in my path. For instance, in the last several days I've been really missing my dad. Not for any particular reason other than I just miss him. Which is such a strange feeling. I only knew my dad for 13 years. Numerically that seems significant enough, however, I have no idea what a relationship would look like with him today. I remember things about him from when I was a kid, but I was just that, a child. I have no idea how I would have a father-daughter relationship with him in the here and now. Honestly, I don't even know if I remember him as much as I lead myself to believe. What if I am personifying an image of someone I've been told about and less someone I actually remember knowing. It's heartbreaking to think this way.

It makes things even more difficult when I feel as though I am following so closely in his footsteps, or at least the footsteps of his heart, so to speak. The one thing that I will never debate is my father's heart for worship. It oozed out of him. And now, as God's been stretching me in my own passion and destiny for worship, I feel as though I'm understanding my dad in a new way. I don't want to sound mystical but I truly do feel as though the mantel of worship has been passed to me. It wasn't until years after he passed away that God revealed my desires for worship. Years ago I was journaling and trying to express what I wanted from myself as a worshipper. Randomly I found a eulogy written about my dad that mentioned his heart's desire. After reading that one descriptive sentence, it's as if every unnamed thought, desire, passion, and heartthrob I had been wrestling with for years prior finally had a definition. There was no better way for God the Father to reveal the heart He created in me, than through my earthly father. He left a legacy which I never knew about as a child, not consciously anyways, didn't find until years after his death, and now claim as the cry of my own heart.

For months now I've constantly felt this inner tension, sort of like growing pains. I feel such a need to push past the things that have held me back from worshipping for so long. That same need paralyzes me. God's given me an ability that I'm confident in, however, when I'm put on the spot, every insecurity no matter how small explodes to the surface and chokes me! God's so much bigger than my fears, yet I never give Him the chance to prove that through me. Why the heck not? I don't really know. It seems easier to pass things onto someone else who's 'been there, done that'. But then, what is it going to take for this giant thing that's been churning within me, for God knows how long, to come out? How will I know when I'm standing face to face with the actual 'opportunity of a lifetime'? Perhaps every time God opens a door, it is in fact the 'opportunity of my lifetime' and I'm too afraid to admit that I want to take Him up on His offer.

Got a Question for ya...

I was talking with a friend yesterday and they started asking me what I'd rather be doing than working at my current job. My instant response was, "Anything else!" They continued to ask questions that ultimately lead to a conversation about the desires I have for ministry.

There are very few people I've shared my heart with in this area, because honestly, it doesn't make complete sense. I don't fully have a grasp on details, more a broad picture of what I long to see happen in God's presence. The one's I've shared this with are friends that are as close as family and I know and trust that they will understand my rambling.

Usually I'm a very expressive and transparent person and can articulate my thoughts well. Yet for some reason I felt my words almost crawl into a cave in my belly when I was being asked these questions. These weren't just surface questions, these were questions that were challenging my heart to be revealed. And to be completely honest, I wasn't hugely in favor of opening myself up in such ways.

Due to this feeling of emotional retreat, I began to ponder what made me feel so shy. Maybe it was because the person was asking intimate questions and wasn't settling for vague answers. Or it could be that I was being asked to express concepts that are extremely sensitive and personal to me. Possibly I was hesitant because I don't know the person well enough to trust them with information so deep in my heart.

I did my best to give what I could, but I recall feeling like I didn't justifiably answer those questions the way I would have wanted if I were the person asking. I became perplexed! Ironically, I am in fact the person that pushes right past surface 'get to know you' tidbits and I dive straight into someones heart, if allowed of course. Normally, when I'm getting to know someone I ask questions that require depth, because while I am sure your favorite color is a fascinating topic of conversation, I would much rather know the core of who you are and how you became that person. Rarely are the tables turned where I'm being asked more than I'm asking, as was the case with this specific instance.

Something inside of me cringed at the thought of sharing all of these things with this person because how did I know I could trust them to take care of the explanations my most prized desires from the Lord? I didn't! That's just it! I had no clue if this person would care enough or if it actually meant something to them to be listening to me. All of these things were racing through my head as I thought back on the conversation. And then something struck me that I hadn't yet had revealed to me...

I wonder if people feel that way about me when I ask them about their hearts.

That thought broke me into pieces.

There are those types of people who seem to be concerned with you and your feelings and what's going on in your life, just long enough so that you will return the gesture and ask them about themselves. I take residence on the very opposite side of the spectrum in this regard. When I'm spending time with someone and learning who they are and how they became and what God is still forming in them, I'm captivated with that person and them alone. I don't care if they ever ask me about myself. I wouldn't want to cheapen my sincerity in absorbing the things they share with me. To think that I may come off as someone who, as I felt in my situation, might not be able to fully appreciate the value of what they're giving, hurt my heart.

If someone were to begin sharing their heart on something, it's as if something inside of me bursts open with readiness to receive and care for every word that's being spoken. My heart becomes overwhelmed with love for the person speaking because they are giving of the very essence of who God created them to be, and that's the most beautiful and precious gift to be given. I so desire to be trusted by people who are giving of their hearts to me. I would never want to make anyone feel as though I would not cherish every word.

Having these insecurities rise up in me caused me to have an even stronger longing to know and be trusted by the hearts of those I encounter. It's not an idle attempt at conversation when I ask about your dreams, family, past, fears, passions, and everything else. Instead, it's as if the presence of the Lord increases in me with great joy at knowing you. Your hearts expressions bring fresh air to my soul. The potential for greatness and beauty that God has inside of you is unbelievably amazing! Nothing causes me to love you more than when you invite me into those deep places and trust that I will continue loving you no matter what your depths hold.

Stripped & Ineffective

Last night was the beginning of ARC Season 2. I've been having mixed emotions about where God wanted me and what He wants me to do in this next season. As I should have expected, God poured out His presence in our brief prayer time and gave me a distinct vision for what this next season holds.

I saw a picture of a wooden heart. Touching the heart was a metal screw which was partially wound into the wood. I then saw a hand fit a screwdriver into the ridges of the screw and begin to turn it deeper into the wood. As I was watching I could feel a literal pressure on my own heart. This hand was pushing and turning, slowly but with heaviness. I could see the tightening of the hand as it turned the screwdriver and the decreasing speed with which the screw was burrowing. Once the screw was unmovable and completely submerged into the depths of this heart, I saw the hand continue to turn the screw driver. It turned and turned and turned, and wouldn't stop. I thought to myself, "God why does the hand keep turning there is no where left for the screw to go." And God replied with, "I'm stripping it."

Taking a closer look I saw that the fitted head of the screw was now smooth and seemed as though it would be impossible to turn by any means, much less try and remove it from this solid wooden heart. The Lord began speaking to me and He explained that the wooden heart was His heart and the screw was me. He revealed He was securing me into a deeper place within His heart. This new depth will cause pressure to be placed on things in my life that may hinder me from fully deepening myself in His heart, and consequently causing my flesh to die more and more with every turn of the tool He uses.

He continued explaining that once the screw was fully immersed in the wood, He chose to strip away the ability for interference. Anything else which tried to remove the screw would be completely ineffective. The screw was so stripped that nothing would take it from that place in the heart. While things may try to attack, they will be ineffective in their attempt because of the screw's permanence. God specifically highlighted two terms: stripped and ineffective. He emphasized the stripping He longs for us to give Him permission to do, and in turn, promises that every scheme, attack, or trial will prove to be ultimately ineffective.

This is the new season God spoke about; that as long as we allow ourselves to be pressurized, He will maintain a steady movement which deepens our place within Him and His place within us. For every barrier we surrender, the deeper we are wound and the tighter security we have in Him and in His presence. He is consuming us with Himself and we will have no desire to escape.

The season of choice

God’s been actively drawing me closer to Him throughout this summer and especially since ARC concluded. At times I felt empty and lost without my closest friends around at all times. Yet something in my core was standing strong amidst my emotional weakness. As the days and weeks went on, God began to grow stronger and stronger within me. He was often speaking and it seemed that in my times of solitude my ears were being turned even closer without my knowing.

I was in a place of hopelessness in many areas of my life. Things seemed so stagnant and numbing. Then, out of the blue, God starts speaking to me. I felt Him calling me to a new place of dedication. In my carnal mind I was trying to piece together some sort of plan or schedule or pattern that I could follow to accomplish this new found calling. Yet, God was so sweet and simply told me, “Kristin, just start something and see what happens.” I was taken aback at first. “God,” I said, “you know better than anyone that this is how I work best, with plans and things.” Again I heard, “Don’t look backwards! Start something new, and see what I do with it!” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I felt a slight relief and yet confusion all at once.

In His great love for me, He directed me not by way of demands, but by way of desires. Rather than depriving myself of things and making this whole season more religious than it should be, God was teaching me the power of choice. [Choice: an option, a decision, an opportunity to choose or select something, one selection or preference.] God is becoming my preference in such deeper ways. Growing up in the all too comfortable ‘Christian bubble’ caused me to take for granted the amazingness of choosing God. It wasn’t a choice before, it just was and that was that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I truly and deeply love the Lord, but too often in years past God was not my first choice, whether I consciously knew it or not. Now, the closer He draws me into His heart, the stronger my desires are for Him and Him alone. I’ve been choosing God. I’ve been training my flesh to submit to my spirits only desire and that is to minister to the heart of God. This whole concept seems so simple. It’s not as if I haven’t walked through seasons of similarity before, but there is something very special about the purity with which He’s drawing me that almost makes me giddy! :)

And now, I feel that my choices previously this season have opened the door for God to shine his enormous light on and through me. Just recently there was an experience where I felt as though the Lord’s shadow was hovering over me and I could feel the weight of His breath as He remained close. As a worshipper there is a heightened sensitivity and passion for, well just about everything, built into our DNA. Because of that, I’ve always responded quicker when my spirit was touched. Without that emotion, there were plenty of times that I didn’t receive as much as I could have because ‘I wasn’t feeling it’. Through this past year, recent season and especially these past days, God has shown me that He’s taken my sensitivity to the spirit and drove it to such a deeper place. No longer does it feel like my spirit is waiting at the surface to jump when called. It feels as if my spirit is burrowed deep in the soil of God and begins erupting when stirred.

There has been this very apparent buzzing in my spirit, almost like the buzz you hear and feel when you are close to giant power wires. I’ve been feeling that electricity for over a week now. I can’t help but assume that God’s doing something within me that’s causing this feeling. Last weekend the Lord made me acutely aware of how BIG He is and how small I am in comparison. But He wasn’t showing me this in a way that made me feel any less valuable, more so, it bought this amazing comfort that I have this huge God to fall back on when I feel I’m in over my head. If only I had this revelation years ago…

God’s also been shedding light on areas of my past that I felt were healed and sealed. He’s making obvious connections and allowing my insecurities to be tested. I’m not sure what’s to come of these things that are so oddly and rapidly being brought to my attention, but I’m trying to soak them in as thoroughly as possible. It’s almost as if He’s taking my heart down the road of preparation for something that seems so far beyond my current sphere of life. Quiet questions are spinning in my mind. Yet all the while I hear His steady, peaceful voice saying, “Wait.” “Wait and see what I will do.” “Wait and you’ll know.” “Wait and you will understand.” I’m not completely convinced He realizes that He’s talking to one of His least patient children! No matter the length of time or cost of my flesh, I choose to wait on You!

My 1st Open Heart Surgery

It was brought to my attention that I needed to write more often, so I decided that since I have nothing of worth to do at work right now, that I would spend my time in deep thought. I don’t quite know how I can express the greatnesses that have been happening these past several weeks; however I did remember a huge revelatory breakthrough that God gave me which I would like to share with you. Before I begin, I want to inform those who’s eyes happen to stumble upon my writings, that you are privileged individuals. Occasionally I will share God’s words to me with close friends, but I rarely allow my heart to be this exposed to the masses. That being said, please don’t take what you’re about to read as just a good story, but more as something the Lord may want to speak into your own life as well.

The second weekend of January was when we had our ARC kick off. For week’s maybe even months before, God had been working on my heart and preparing me for some major work. That Sunday, we had a big family dinner followed by worship and prayer. While Lorelei and I were cleaning the dishes after dinner, she referenced a conversation we had earlier that week and told me she felt like God wanted me to know that He’s not going to give me band-aids and scars but that He wants to give me a new heart. Initially it didn’t spark anything special in me, but I accepted what she was saying and kept on with my task. Later on in the evening while we were worshipping God gave me an extremely vivid picture of what He wanted to do inside of me.

The picture started out almost like an episode of House M.D. where the doctors are working on the patient in the operating room and someone was in the observation deck watching the surgery. In this case both the observer and the patient were both me. I saw myself on the operating table with the surgical staff all around me. It seemed that they were doing open heart surgery because my chest was cracked wide open and my internal organs were exposed. Then I see the head surgeon, who appeared to be God, take my heart out of my chest. Now, I haven’t seen an actual heart other than on TV but in this case, my heart was blackened with scars and it was disfigured with clotted and crusted blood all over it (lovely visual, I know). At this point I’m assuming that the vision is going to progress into me having some type of transplant, which would line up perfectly with what Lorelei had shared with me earlier that evening. I began to grieve the loss of my existing heart but tried to embrace the newness that I thought God was going to give me. Instead, God takes my heart and placed it in this basin filled with blood. He then proceeds to ever so gently massage the organ and wipe away all the grime and filth from every crevice imaginable. Once He was satisfied with the cleaning, He took this freshly washed heart and placed it back inside my chest. As this vision was unfolding God narrated that He did not want to replace my heart with a new yet foreign one, but that He’s making my heart new! He reassured me that I won’t need to grieve the thought of losing myself with my old heart. What He was saying though, is that He was washing away the fear, pain and bitterness which had begun to suffocate my heart. He spoke that instead of being trapped by the old memories and situations, that I will be able to live, breathe and rejoice in everything I do whether it’s something new or something that resembles a tragic moment from my past.

Needless to say, I felt completely exposed and vulnerable yet for some reason I was compelled to share my vision with the group. It was suggested that I be prayed for, and I did not refuse. Rachel prayed over me that few people know the depth of pain I’ve been through in my life but in return few people will know the depth and extent of healing God has for me. And from this place of healing I will be able to speak into the lives of others and allow God’s healing to penetrate them as it did me. Ethan began to pray for me as well and he said I needed to be aware of how my heart was beating because I would actually be able to feel God moving and massaging my heart. For the next week I could feel my heart pounding in such a different way that I knew it had to be the presence of God coursing through my arteries! These events paved the way for the breakthrough of healing I experienced the following week, which you can read about in my previous blog.

Enjoy and be blessed!