Got a Question for ya...

I was talking with a friend yesterday and they started asking me what I'd rather be doing than working at my current job. My instant response was, "Anything else!" They continued to ask questions that ultimately lead to a conversation about the desires I have for ministry.

There are very few people I've shared my heart with in this area, because honestly, it doesn't make complete sense. I don't fully have a grasp on details, more a broad picture of what I long to see happen in God's presence. The one's I've shared this with are friends that are as close as family and I know and trust that they will understand my rambling.

Usually I'm a very expressive and transparent person and can articulate my thoughts well. Yet for some reason I felt my words almost crawl into a cave in my belly when I was being asked these questions. These weren't just surface questions, these were questions that were challenging my heart to be revealed. And to be completely honest, I wasn't hugely in favor of opening myself up in such ways.

Due to this feeling of emotional retreat, I began to ponder what made me feel so shy. Maybe it was because the person was asking intimate questions and wasn't settling for vague answers. Or it could be that I was being asked to express concepts that are extremely sensitive and personal to me. Possibly I was hesitant because I don't know the person well enough to trust them with information so deep in my heart.

I did my best to give what I could, but I recall feeling like I didn't justifiably answer those questions the way I would have wanted if I were the person asking. I became perplexed! Ironically, I am in fact the person that pushes right past surface 'get to know you' tidbits and I dive straight into someones heart, if allowed of course. Normally, when I'm getting to know someone I ask questions that require depth, because while I am sure your favorite color is a fascinating topic of conversation, I would much rather know the core of who you are and how you became that person. Rarely are the tables turned where I'm being asked more than I'm asking, as was the case with this specific instance.

Something inside of me cringed at the thought of sharing all of these things with this person because how did I know I could trust them to take care of the explanations my most prized desires from the Lord? I didn't! That's just it! I had no clue if this person would care enough or if it actually meant something to them to be listening to me. All of these things were racing through my head as I thought back on the conversation. And then something struck me that I hadn't yet had revealed to me...

I wonder if people feel that way about me when I ask them about their hearts.

That thought broke me into pieces.

There are those types of people who seem to be concerned with you and your feelings and what's going on in your life, just long enough so that you will return the gesture and ask them about themselves. I take residence on the very opposite side of the spectrum in this regard. When I'm spending time with someone and learning who they are and how they became and what God is still forming in them, I'm captivated with that person and them alone. I don't care if they ever ask me about myself. I wouldn't want to cheapen my sincerity in absorbing the things they share with me. To think that I may come off as someone who, as I felt in my situation, might not be able to fully appreciate the value of what they're giving, hurt my heart.

If someone were to begin sharing their heart on something, it's as if something inside of me bursts open with readiness to receive and care for every word that's being spoken. My heart becomes overwhelmed with love for the person speaking because they are giving of the very essence of who God created them to be, and that's the most beautiful and precious gift to be given. I so desire to be trusted by people who are giving of their hearts to me. I would never want to make anyone feel as though I would not cherish every word.

Having these insecurities rise up in me caused me to have an even stronger longing to know and be trusted by the hearts of those I encounter. It's not an idle attempt at conversation when I ask about your dreams, family, past, fears, passions, and everything else. Instead, it's as if the presence of the Lord increases in me with great joy at knowing you. Your hearts expressions bring fresh air to my soul. The potential for greatness and beauty that God has inside of you is unbelievably amazing! Nothing causes me to love you more than when you invite me into those deep places and trust that I will continue loving you no matter what your depths hold.