Breaking the Ice

Recently, I’ve been extremely emotional. Like, ridiculously so. As a whole I try to be a very transparent person, yet when it comes to the core pieces of my heart, I keep those very private. So much so that sometimes I don’t realize the truth of what I’m thinking or feeling because I’ve kept it buried from myself. Well, over the last week or so, I’ve felt like a blubbering idiot who can’t stop crying. Whether it’s someone sharing a story with me, remembering something from my past, experiencing the presence of God, or reading some stupid chain letter email… my heart has been tugged and I start crying.

The only emotion I could connect was feelings about my dad. All sorts of things have been appearing out of nowhere. Feelings that I’d assume were long gone, yet for whatever reason, they are resurfacing and causing all sorts of emotional spillage. Although, it’s not exactly painful… more so, like a release of something.

You know how there are times that you just need a good cry? Maybe it’s a girl thing but I know when I’m really stressed or overwhelmed with pressure, I always feel better if I cry. Regardless of what triggers the actual tears, there is something released and a sense of freedom that seems to sweep. THAT’s what these recent sobbing sessions have felt like.

I noticed in the latter part of last week that my spirit has seemed to be hyper sensitive as well, and began to assume the two are interconnected in some way. While on the retreat this weekend, God showed me a picture.

I was peering down a well that seemed to be completely empty, the chasm of darkness traveled further than I could see. In the next segment I was able to see the ground to the well. I saw myself standing on and looking at an endless body of crystal clear water that was frozen. Beside where I was standing on the ice was a man with some sort of chisel. He was kneeled down, gently tapping away at the surface of the water. Soon a crack started spreading from the point of the chisel across. Then another crack, then another, then another, until finally one of the cracks began to leak with the water that was trapped beneath. In the vision I remember being afraid of the water that was escaping, yet the man hammering the ice seemed to be smiling. Not understanding what was happening, I began carefully walking away from the cracked ice. As I watched, the cracks in the ice grew larger and more water began to erupt. The vision shifted and now I saw myself swimming underneath the ice covered water. I remembered the familiar feeling of panic as if I were watching a movie where someone was trapped and needed rescuing. But this was a different panic. I was not panicking because I was trapped underneath the water; my panic was because the water below the surface was being exposed. I was frantically moving away from the open places in the ice where I could have gotten out. Instead I was trying to avoid the exposure to stay beneath the ice.

While asking the Lord what this meant, He spoke to me that this is what He’s been doing with my heart. I wasn’t able to see the depths that He’s brought me too over the years or the depths that He wants to continue deepening. Within those depths, there are places that I’ve felt I needed to hide, emotions that I’ve been trapping and freedom that I’ve been running away from. He said that it’s time to release and be free. He urged me not to be afraid of the solid surface being broken, because it was never meant to be there in the first place. He told me that He’s taking gentle care and is working His way through the ice so that I am able to be freely washed away with Him.

Seeing that vision brought so much clarity to the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on recently. Understandably there are feelings still remaining from past tragedies, but again, even with the raw and vulnerable state of my heart, I’ve not been feeling bad pains. These are good pains; pains of release, pains of freedom, growing pains towards Christ, maturing pains, some uncomfortable pains yet all good pains.