It's been a while

It’s been a while…
It’s been a while since I’ve exposed.
It’s been a while since I’ve absorbed.

Exposing these wounds hurts Lord. Just FYI…

The past few months have challenged my faith in many ways. I had awesome tangible experiences with the Lord in Guatemala, and then ‘every day life’ kicked me in the butt when I got home. It’s as if in the blink of an eye, I forgot how intensely the Lord showed up, and I so easily forgot the enemy’s notorious quest to ruin me.

Get a clue Satan- if it hasn’t worked by noooow- it’s not gunna.

I didn't realize the freedom I was missing out on all this time. I don't believe it had to take this long, but M.A.N. did God pick a good time to make me ready for it!

I feel like I'm just now grasping maturity. I'm not sure what I'm grasping to be quite honest, but I can feel the difference in my spirit. Which probably has something to do with the way God released breakthrough for me while in Guatemala.

P.S. I've noticed God does really good work in me while I'm on the mission field. Yes... that does intrigue me. Yes... I have taken note. Yes... I do believe that speaks of my future involvement in missions and being overseas. Thanks for asking. ;)

There's a literal feeling I have within me that is different. It goes back to that maturity thing. I feel like my inner man... well-- inner woman... is standing taller and stronger.

Does that make sense? It does in my mind- so I'll continue.

About a month ago I had this moment with God, while I was in my car- stuck in traffic- for over an hour to travel the whole 5 miles through the tunnel to my apt from Olde Towne Portsmouth. In the midst of being consumed my one of my ABSOLUTE least favorite things on the planet (that being traffic) God so graciously and utterly unexpectedly broke heaven open over my Toyota and wrecked my soul in a tremendous way. During that experience, while unable to articulate it at the time, I received such a revelation of the scripture:

Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

It's as if the heaviness of a culmination of a few years of struggling and running; sometimes consciously - most without knowing I was; evaporated and instead I now carried a different presence. You would think after the way the Lord has rescued me time, after time, after time, after time, after...... (you get it right?) that I would stop running from the depths with which He wants to meet me. But in reality - I'm terrified. God makes me nervous sometimes because I've done a really good job as living through my life, which was not all puppies and sugar cookies lemme tell ya, without falling apart.

I'm not scared to deal with my past or to grow more intimate with Him, it's the part where I have to let go of the claim I feel I should rightly have to my bondage. Hear me out here...

It's not a desire of mine to live bound- not even close. But there are bits and pieces that create the bondage that I'm not fully ready to let go of. For instance (and I'm getting REALLY personal here so consider yourself privileged) - the baby - I had him, and I am forever connected to him, and him to me. Yet, it took me YEARS to release the right I felt I had to still refer to him as 'my son'. Yes, I'm his biological mother, and yes, he is in fact my son, but I have no right to the title of 'mom' in his life, therefore I shouldn't speak about him as if he's mine. I chose to give him to someone else, I did that. And with that decision, I should have given up my pride, but didn't. It was an extremely hard time when I had to let God have my son- 'my son'. THAT is just one of the bits I'm referring too. Claiming the baby wasn't wrong, but it was wrong for me, and wrong for the healing that God was trying to bring me through and because I held on to my pride and felt entitled in a sense, it hindered timely healing.

I feel like I'm rambling -- but it's good for me --

In my life, I'm slightly distracted by a few things though. However, a lovely friend of mine shared with me that she felt like God was showing her a knotted mess of strings that I need to give to Him and He will straighten out. I knew exactly what she meant, and what He wanted. However, it's been difficult to let Him keep it. I had no problem giving it to Him in the first place, but I keep taking it back, then giving it to Him again, then snatching it back once more. Sooner or later He's going to close His fist so that I can't grab it anymore... that'll suck- but will be for my best, so do what You will Lord! But PLEASE be gentle, k thanks.

So here I am, in this awesome place with God, I'm on a well rounded diet of Burden Lite, I feel free-er (yes that's a word!) than I've felt in I don't know how long, and I am abundantly aware of God's love for me. It's fascinating actually, I've been in the 'honeymoon' season with the Lord before, and it was precious. But this is different, I feel His love all the time. It's like I'm forever being hugged by Him and I feel His warmth surrounding me.

Like right now--- it's happening--- the hug. It's fascinating I tell you, absolutely mind blowing.

Breaking the Ice

Recently, I’ve been extremely emotional. Like, ridiculously so. As a whole I try to be a very transparent person, yet when it comes to the core pieces of my heart, I keep those very private. So much so that sometimes I don’t realize the truth of what I’m thinking or feeling because I’ve kept it buried from myself. Well, over the last week or so, I’ve felt like a blubbering idiot who can’t stop crying. Whether it’s someone sharing a story with me, remembering something from my past, experiencing the presence of God, or reading some stupid chain letter email… my heart has been tugged and I start crying.

The only emotion I could connect was feelings about my dad. All sorts of things have been appearing out of nowhere. Feelings that I’d assume were long gone, yet for whatever reason, they are resurfacing and causing all sorts of emotional spillage. Although, it’s not exactly painful… more so, like a release of something.

You know how there are times that you just need a good cry? Maybe it’s a girl thing but I know when I’m really stressed or overwhelmed with pressure, I always feel better if I cry. Regardless of what triggers the actual tears, there is something released and a sense of freedom that seems to sweep. THAT’s what these recent sobbing sessions have felt like.

I noticed in the latter part of last week that my spirit has seemed to be hyper sensitive as well, and began to assume the two are interconnected in some way. While on the retreat this weekend, God showed me a picture.

I was peering down a well that seemed to be completely empty, the chasm of darkness traveled further than I could see. In the next segment I was able to see the ground to the well. I saw myself standing on and looking at an endless body of crystal clear water that was frozen. Beside where I was standing on the ice was a man with some sort of chisel. He was kneeled down, gently tapping away at the surface of the water. Soon a crack started spreading from the point of the chisel across. Then another crack, then another, then another, until finally one of the cracks began to leak with the water that was trapped beneath. In the vision I remember being afraid of the water that was escaping, yet the man hammering the ice seemed to be smiling. Not understanding what was happening, I began carefully walking away from the cracked ice. As I watched, the cracks in the ice grew larger and more water began to erupt. The vision shifted and now I saw myself swimming underneath the ice covered water. I remembered the familiar feeling of panic as if I were watching a movie where someone was trapped and needed rescuing. But this was a different panic. I was not panicking because I was trapped underneath the water; my panic was because the water below the surface was being exposed. I was frantically moving away from the open places in the ice where I could have gotten out. Instead I was trying to avoid the exposure to stay beneath the ice.

While asking the Lord what this meant, He spoke to me that this is what He’s been doing with my heart. I wasn’t able to see the depths that He’s brought me too over the years or the depths that He wants to continue deepening. Within those depths, there are places that I’ve felt I needed to hide, emotions that I’ve been trapping and freedom that I’ve been running away from. He said that it’s time to release and be free. He urged me not to be afraid of the solid surface being broken, because it was never meant to be there in the first place. He told me that He’s taking gentle care and is working His way through the ice so that I am able to be freely washed away with Him.

Seeing that vision brought so much clarity to the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on recently. Understandably there are feelings still remaining from past tragedies, but again, even with the raw and vulnerable state of my heart, I’ve not been feeling bad pains. These are good pains; pains of release, pains of freedom, growing pains towards Christ, maturing pains, some uncomfortable pains yet all good pains.

Destination: Guatemala! January Update

Thank you for your patience in waiting for my update as our team has been finalizing decision regarding our trip.

I’ve been waiting for our first team meeting to provide you all with more information on the specifics of our time in Guatemala. Rather than give you trip details, I have other news to share with each of you. Our Guatemala trip has been postponed to later this summer, probably around late July or sometime in August.

There are several reasons for the rescheduling: 1. NLMI requires at least 5 people to make a trip happen and there were not enough people signed up for this trip yet. 2. With the amount of work, orphans, and energy required for the trip to Guatemala, a small number of people would not do the children any justice. The team last year had 18 members and from what I’m told, they had their hands full! 3. Because advertisement for the trip and support raising all fell so close to Christmas, and only 2 months before the trip, our leaders feel that if people were given more time to plan and prepare, that the number of team members would increase. 4. The trip requires people w/ skills in singing/music/art/ and dance and unfortunately at this point, we don’t have each of those components on our team. 5. One of our team leaders, Eunice, would only be able to stay with us until 1/2 way through the trip due to other ministry responsibilities; rescheduling would allow her to be a part of the whole experience.

As soon as I received this news, I knew in my heart that I was still called to this trip. Moments after I discussed these changes with Tina, our team leader, I went into a worship service. There was a Kim Walker song playing, which was already a favorite of mine, yet God spoke loud and clear to me through lyrics in the song. “No turning back, I’ve made up my mind. I’m giving all of my life this time.”

I felt God’s heart for me as those lyrics were repeated. He’s made up His mind to send me to Guatemala, and I’ve made up my mind to give Him my whole life. The Lord distinctly placed a burden on my heart for these Guatemalan orphans, and I fully trust His faithfulness in bringing me to them!

The main thing I want you to remember is that the trip is NOT CANCELLED... just rescheduled for later this year. We just want the opportunity to be made available for more members to join our team AND we want it to be the best possible ministry TO THE ORPHANS!

God overwhelmed me yet again with His faithfulness and has provided amazing financial support in an extremely small period of time. I promptly sent out my support letters during the week of Christmas. In 5 short weeks, the Lord has provided $1,050.00 towards my $1,500.00 balance owed for this trip; leaving only $450.00 to raise between now and the summer time. HOW AMAZING IS OUR LORD?!

While in my deciding process I assumed this trip was out of reach since money needed to be raised in such a short period of time from when the trip was introduced. Yet as soon as God spoke Guatemala to my heart and spirit, He made sure I knew HE was the one providing!

At our Sunday morning service, Pastor Dan showed a small video of the disaster areas in Haiti. Several pictures showed young children in the midst of the tragedy. As tears filled my eyes, the Lord comforted me by whispering that I’ll be able to hug and comfort the orphans in Guatemala and spread His loving heart to them.

Thank you deeply to everyone who has sent their support both with prayers and finances. I feel your prayers and God’s riches are being stored up for those orphans!

Please continue to pray for the team God is building and for the lives He wants to affect in Guatemala. I will keep you updated as we receive more information on our trip!

Love lots of love,

There's this feeling

I frequently get this feeling that I'm going to explode if I don't worship. Or even during worship, I feel like I'm not worshipping to my fullest ability. Not for the lack of trying, but I feel like my heart has so much more to give that is still undefined.

I was experiencing this feeling last night. The Lord has been overwhelming me with a new found love for Him. Worship has been consuming my thoughts the past few days. My humming is worship, my thoughts are on worship lyrics, my iPod is jammed with the same music... I can't get away from it! It's as if this is the only way my spirit knows to express my love for Him on a continuous basis throughout my whole day. My spirit is constantly engaged in worship to the Lord without consciously trying. AMAZING!

Yet, there is so much more I want to do. Within these past few weeks since the Lord has downloaded His love in greater measures, I've had such a burning to worship, but not just traditional 'church service' worship. The longing in my spirit is to cause worship to God's heart every where I go with everything I do and with every person I encounter. If my spirit is in unceasing worship to God, why would the rest of me do anything less? Sometimes I want to just sing at the top of my lungs as loud as possible and see what happens in the spiritual world. I'd expect nothing less than to be stared at and made fun of, but what if something like that, so bold and wreckless, would shift the actual atmosphere of the spiritual realm? Would it not be worth a few giggles and a pointed finger?

I think it'd be great. Now if the follow through was only as easy as the idea...

The Perfect Spot

I’d like to share a wonderful story from an experience I had last night, so here it is!

Once upon a time…

I live in an apartment with 3 other girls, and we all have our own cars with which to park within 2 spaces provided in the back of our building. Originally, I and one of my other roommates were parking in the back permanently. The other 2 roommate whomever they may be are left to find a parking space somewhere on the street.

The 4 of us decided that we were going to rotate parking each month so that everyone gets fair usage of the spaces provided. Now, I will tell you that I am mentally, and 99% of the time physically incapable of parallel parking. Therefore, you can assume I was a bit hesitant to give up my parking space since I have no other option but to do that which I can not!

Yet, I chose to compromise and try to make it work. Well, last night was the first night I was sentenced to the street. I was texting my fellow curb hugger roommate to check and see if it was hard for her to find a spot when she got home. Surprisingly, she said it wasn’t that hard. This encouraged me. We mentioned that we would pray about the months we have to be on the street, that God would have favor on us.

As I’m driving home I start declaring that God will give me a parking spot. But then I began to feel selfish by asking that and decided to change my attitude. Instead, I started praying that God would give me the supernatural ability to parallel park so that this wouldn’t be such an issue for me. Still at the end I snuck in a little, “but if you could give me a perfect spot that’d be great! Amen.”

I drive onto my street around 10PM. The cars are usually lined up so I was expecting to have to search for a few minutes for a spot. With in a few inches of being on my street I see a spot where I am pretty sure I could fit into, but something in me felt to try a little closer to my apartment. I figured I would have to turn around and that I would end up in that spot anyways so I was actively praying that God would save that spot for me. Then, as I’m nearing the end of the street and the front of my apartment, I see what can only be thought of as an illusion. There is a parking spot directly in front of my apartment building right before the drive way making it PERFECT to drive right into without one bit of hassle. I thought to myself, “Wait, this can’t be real. Am I really allowed to park here?” But sure enough, it was the PERFECT PARKING SPOT just like I had prayed for minutes earlier.

Once my car was in park I burst into laughter at the awesomeness of God and His love for me! I couldn’t fully grasp the greatness of what He did for me in that moment, but I can tell you that the joy of the Lord was spilling out of me like a gushing waterfall!

… The end!

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called

Last week I was at a prayer gathering with my mom, my aunt and some of my favorite Naomi’s. When I first got there they ladies were talking about the world and different things the Lord had been speaking to them. As I sat listening, they began to quiz me and test my spiritual discernment. To my credit, I was told that I got an A+. My aunt really encouraged me by telling me that I am in fact hearing the Lord and that I need to begin trusting the Holy Spirit and having confidence in His leadings. More or less… follow my gut.

My intention when being around these women is to glean knowledge and understanding in the spirit. I usually stay quite because I don’t feel I have anything to offer. Apparently, the Lord has been maturing me more than I know because while there, He gave me a very distinct and vivid vision to share with the ladies.

Mom had a word about the reference in Ezekiel 3 where the Lord tells Ezekiel to eat the scroll which will be sweet to his mouth yet bitter in his stomach. She said the Lord kept speaking, “Eat the scroll.” Just after that, one of the other women had a strong sense that there was an urgency to prepare for an upcoming devastation. Hearing this warning made me ask God, “How do we prepare?” and I heard Him answer, “By eating the scroll.” I then felt like that Lord was saying that the scroll in this case was His word and that in order to prepare for anything, we need to go beyond just reading, we need to ingest and digest His words. We need to exchange the world for the word!

A little bit after that while we were all in prayer is when the vision came. I saw a picture of a drafting table. There were 2 sets of lines. The line I was in, along with one of the other women in the room with me, was on the right hand side and we were standing in front of a soldier who was seated behind the table. To the left was the other set of lines in front of a man who was standing up behind the table and was dressed in a dark navy suit jacket. This other woman and I, as well as all the others in each line were dressed in camouflage uniforms. The men behind the tables were handing out papers to each person in line. I saw myself standing at the front of the line and the seated soldier handed me a rolled up piece of manila paper and said, “Here are you orders.” I grasped the paper and turned to join a line of people walking away from the drafting table.

I shared the vision with the ladies. We all recognized that the rolled up piece of paper could have easily represented the scroll the Lord spoke about earlier in the evening. After returning to prayer I heard two military ranks, General and Commander in Chief. Not knowing anything about military ranks or what significance it had to the vision, I stayed silent. The next morning while at work, I researched the two ranks. Surprisingly, I found that the General is the highest rank in the military, however the Commander in Chief is the President’s title and who has final say in any military decision.

Shortly after pondering this information the Lord took me back into my vision. I instantly knew that the official looking man to my left was representing the General, and the common looking soldier in front of me was the Commander in Chief. God said, “You are not receiving your orders from the worlds leader, but you are receiving Kingdom orders from your Commander in Chief!” From my vision He also showed me that after I accepted my orders, I was signifying the Spirit of God infiltrating the army of the enemy. At that moment I knew the Lord wanted me to accept my new assignment and devour whatever ‘orders’ He was about to give me. The next day at work, I was definitely given a new assignment, which involves a lot of transition, sacrifice, and uncomfortable movement. A good friend of mine made a comment once, “For every ‘Yes God’, around the corner is a ‘No God not that!”. I identified with that statement more than ever! Honestly, my spirit has had a peace and joy since that evening, but I’ve been keeping my mind in a state of denial because I can’t imagine leaving my comfortable life and schedule.

I’m going to use this cyber world as a place to proclaim that I’m going to accept the assignment the Lord has given me, and I’m not going to let my flesh dictate my emotions. The Lord was specific and He has a strategy that I can’t fathom understanding. I love and trust my Father, and should expect nothing but the best from Him!

So… here’s to a new day and new orders!

So what does "Healing" really mean?

God changed my life, yet again, this past Saturday night. While I’ll do my best to verbally explain the experience, I’ll have you know that nothing I could say will give enough justice to the miracle that occurred. Let me give you a little background of what led up to the evening. For several days I was feeling a heightened curiosity about the gift of healing in part because it is largely incorporated in my mission’s statement. As a whole the gift of healing has always been a fascinating mystery to me. When my cousin Nichole was diagnosed with cancer, I remember praying for her as much as I knew how at the age of 9 and eventually she was healed and has been a miracle ever since. Several years later when my daddy was diagnosed with cancer, I used all of my faith and truly believed without a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be healed. Since he passed away, the idea of ‘healing’ in the physical sense has always been hard for me to swallow. Years later when God started bringing me out of a very dark time of life, I began to experience different types of healing myself. God healed me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally… but it was that last one, the physical healing that always felt like I was hitting a brick wall.

There are no doubts in me that argue the fact that God heals. However, since I’ve been suffering with a sometimes mild, sometimes major female hormonal sickness myself, I’ve often wondered if I was missing something. As I was telling Lorelei on our way to worship Saturday night, I truly believe that God desires for me to experience physical healing. I can’t fathom God calling me to be a worshipper and place in me the desire for my worship bring healing, if I haven’t known healing myself.

Oddly enough, a short while after worship had begun; Travis said he felt like someone needed healing for their stomach. Now, as a rule of thumb, if I feel the need for prayer I usually give as little details as possible so that God can really speak to me without anyone’s personal input clouding God’s heart for me. As soon as Travis spoke up, I felt Lorelei’s eyes piercing my face, yet I did all I could to overt my stare from her direction. Rachel spoke up saying that she had been struggling with stomach pains and would like prayer. Travis agreed and asked if anyone else wanted prayer. Still avoiding any accusatory eye contact, I kept silent. Lorelei however burst out saying, “We also need to pray for Kristin!” which left me with nowhere to hide.

I’ve been prayed over for healing before but still haven’t experience what I believe to be God’s healing in my body. Unfortunately, my faith for healing that evening was not very strong. Yet on the fortunate side, it seems that everyone else’s faith on my behalf made up for my lack. After praying for Rachel, I was guided to have a seat. I told the group that I was diagnosed with an issue when I was 16 and that it’s gotten pretty bad over the years, I left the rest up for God to tell them. Everyone gathered around me and started praying. In the midst of general prayers, Herb asked me if I had any forgiveness issues still unsettled. I stated that nothing came to mind, and then Travis spoke up and said he felt like it was an issue with self forgiveness. To forgive yourself seems like such a cliché term and I wasn’t expecting much to happen. Travis instructed me to ‘get in the Spirit’ and let Him work. I honestly believe it was God’s ordained moment for me to receive from Him because while I was very nonchalant about this whole ordeal, the moment I closed my eyes the Spirit hit me. After a few moments of God working in me, Herb recited a prayed for me to repeat to let go of unworthiness, to know that I don’t owe anything, and to forgive myself.

Ethan came up to me and said that he saw a black cloud around my stomach area. As soon as he spoke, the Lord gave me a revelation. When I was 15 and first met my ex-fiancé the enemy had an assignment of destruction and he sent a demon to attach itself to me. The black cloud that Ethan recognized was the demonic darkness that had been attached to me. God had arrested the devil in my life years ago and cut off all demonic forces at that point. Travis felt the need to shout to my spirit to be healed, to which the group joined him. Right as they did that, I felt my female area cramping. Skeptically, I said to myself, “Ok this happens all the time how do I know this is God and I’m being healed this time?” Then I began to feel a pressurize tugging happening, almost as if stitches were being pulled out, and the Lord showed me that it was the claws of the demon being pulled out of my uterus where it had originally attached itself to me.

I started shaking both internally and externally and felt the Lord move through me. A few people asked if I felt any different. I didn’t answer honestly for the first few minutes because I wasn’t sure what had happened. Later in the night I was telling Rachel the sensation I had of the claws coming out of my flesh. She excitedly asked, “Did you see what Ethan was doing to you?” and I answered no because my eyes had been closed throughout the prayer. I can only assume that these two instances were coinciding, because God works greatly like that. I was told that Ethan was pulling something away from my stomach. Astounded, I waited and tried to process what God was doing in me.

My intention was to tell Ethan what had happened to me and how greatly God was using him, but I didn’t get the chance to that night. The next day when I was in the prayer shed I was asking God how I would know this time was any different than the other prayer times. I felt the Lord ask, “Is it still heavy?” I assumed he meant a type of spiritual heaviness, so I responded with no, and He asked again. Then He allowed me to realize that I was feeling weighed down by the lack of faith and the desire to experience physical healing for myself. When the claws were pulled out, I felt a wave of weightlessness surge through me. Apparently, God was replacing my weighty desire for healing with a weightless healing touch.

I was finally able to talk to Ethan about the whole ordeal on Sunday evening. As I was describing everything, he looked dumbfounded and told me that when Travis shouted for my healing, he saw a demon sitting on top of the black cloud with it’s arms crossed saying, “No!” that he wouldn’t move. Then the Lord told Ethan there was a rope on the ground and that he needed to pull it, and at the end of the rope was a boulder that fell out of my stomach. Ethan and I both became overwhelmed with the vastness of God.

God’s been sweeping through me since that night and has been expanding my faith for miraculous healing without me even asking him too. I know that God has called me to worship Him and be an avenue for His presence to heal nations. What does that look like? I don’t have an answer for that. Where will I go? No answer for that either. My confidence lies in the amazing reality of God’s movement in my life and His divine, unmistakable workings.

Glory to God!