Opportunity of a Lifetime

God's been working on my heart a lot recently. And because of that there have been all sorts of spiritual and emotional hurdles thrown in my path. For instance, in the last several days I've been really missing my dad. Not for any particular reason other than I just miss him. Which is such a strange feeling. I only knew my dad for 13 years. Numerically that seems significant enough, however, I have no idea what a relationship would look like with him today. I remember things about him from when I was a kid, but I was just that, a child. I have no idea how I would have a father-daughter relationship with him in the here and now. Honestly, I don't even know if I remember him as much as I lead myself to believe. What if I am personifying an image of someone I've been told about and less someone I actually remember knowing. It's heartbreaking to think this way.

It makes things even more difficult when I feel as though I am following so closely in his footsteps, or at least the footsteps of his heart, so to speak. The one thing that I will never debate is my father's heart for worship. It oozed out of him. And now, as God's been stretching me in my own passion and destiny for worship, I feel as though I'm understanding my dad in a new way. I don't want to sound mystical but I truly do feel as though the mantel of worship has been passed to me. It wasn't until years after he passed away that God revealed my desires for worship. Years ago I was journaling and trying to express what I wanted from myself as a worshipper. Randomly I found a eulogy written about my dad that mentioned his heart's desire. After reading that one descriptive sentence, it's as if every unnamed thought, desire, passion, and heartthrob I had been wrestling with for years prior finally had a definition. There was no better way for God the Father to reveal the heart He created in me, than through my earthly father. He left a legacy which I never knew about as a child, not consciously anyways, didn't find until years after his death, and now claim as the cry of my own heart.

For months now I've constantly felt this inner tension, sort of like growing pains. I feel such a need to push past the things that have held me back from worshipping for so long. That same need paralyzes me. God's given me an ability that I'm confident in, however, when I'm put on the spot, every insecurity no matter how small explodes to the surface and chokes me! God's so much bigger than my fears, yet I never give Him the chance to prove that through me. Why the heck not? I don't really know. It seems easier to pass things onto someone else who's 'been there, done that'. But then, what is it going to take for this giant thing that's been churning within me, for God knows how long, to come out? How will I know when I'm standing face to face with the actual 'opportunity of a lifetime'? Perhaps every time God opens a door, it is in fact the 'opportunity of my lifetime' and I'm too afraid to admit that I want to take Him up on His offer.

Got a Question for ya...

I was talking with a friend yesterday and they started asking me what I'd rather be doing than working at my current job. My instant response was, "Anything else!" They continued to ask questions that ultimately lead to a conversation about the desires I have for ministry.

There are very few people I've shared my heart with in this area, because honestly, it doesn't make complete sense. I don't fully have a grasp on details, more a broad picture of what I long to see happen in God's presence. The one's I've shared this with are friends that are as close as family and I know and trust that they will understand my rambling.

Usually I'm a very expressive and transparent person and can articulate my thoughts well. Yet for some reason I felt my words almost crawl into a cave in my belly when I was being asked these questions. These weren't just surface questions, these were questions that were challenging my heart to be revealed. And to be completely honest, I wasn't hugely in favor of opening myself up in such ways.

Due to this feeling of emotional retreat, I began to ponder what made me feel so shy. Maybe it was because the person was asking intimate questions and wasn't settling for vague answers. Or it could be that I was being asked to express concepts that are extremely sensitive and personal to me. Possibly I was hesitant because I don't know the person well enough to trust them with information so deep in my heart.

I did my best to give what I could, but I recall feeling like I didn't justifiably answer those questions the way I would have wanted if I were the person asking. I became perplexed! Ironically, I am in fact the person that pushes right past surface 'get to know you' tidbits and I dive straight into someones heart, if allowed of course. Normally, when I'm getting to know someone I ask questions that require depth, because while I am sure your favorite color is a fascinating topic of conversation, I would much rather know the core of who you are and how you became that person. Rarely are the tables turned where I'm being asked more than I'm asking, as was the case with this specific instance.

Something inside of me cringed at the thought of sharing all of these things with this person because how did I know I could trust them to take care of the explanations my most prized desires from the Lord? I didn't! That's just it! I had no clue if this person would care enough or if it actually meant something to them to be listening to me. All of these things were racing through my head as I thought back on the conversation. And then something struck me that I hadn't yet had revealed to me...

I wonder if people feel that way about me when I ask them about their hearts.

That thought broke me into pieces.

There are those types of people who seem to be concerned with you and your feelings and what's going on in your life, just long enough so that you will return the gesture and ask them about themselves. I take residence on the very opposite side of the spectrum in this regard. When I'm spending time with someone and learning who they are and how they became and what God is still forming in them, I'm captivated with that person and them alone. I don't care if they ever ask me about myself. I wouldn't want to cheapen my sincerity in absorbing the things they share with me. To think that I may come off as someone who, as I felt in my situation, might not be able to fully appreciate the value of what they're giving, hurt my heart.

If someone were to begin sharing their heart on something, it's as if something inside of me bursts open with readiness to receive and care for every word that's being spoken. My heart becomes overwhelmed with love for the person speaking because they are giving of the very essence of who God created them to be, and that's the most beautiful and precious gift to be given. I so desire to be trusted by people who are giving of their hearts to me. I would never want to make anyone feel as though I would not cherish every word.

Having these insecurities rise up in me caused me to have an even stronger longing to know and be trusted by the hearts of those I encounter. It's not an idle attempt at conversation when I ask about your dreams, family, past, fears, passions, and everything else. Instead, it's as if the presence of the Lord increases in me with great joy at knowing you. Your hearts expressions bring fresh air to my soul. The potential for greatness and beauty that God has inside of you is unbelievably amazing! Nothing causes me to love you more than when you invite me into those deep places and trust that I will continue loving you no matter what your depths hold.

Stripped & Ineffective

Last night was the beginning of ARC Season 2. I've been having mixed emotions about where God wanted me and what He wants me to do in this next season. As I should have expected, God poured out His presence in our brief prayer time and gave me a distinct vision for what this next season holds.

I saw a picture of a wooden heart. Touching the heart was a metal screw which was partially wound into the wood. I then saw a hand fit a screwdriver into the ridges of the screw and begin to turn it deeper into the wood. As I was watching I could feel a literal pressure on my own heart. This hand was pushing and turning, slowly but with heaviness. I could see the tightening of the hand as it turned the screwdriver and the decreasing speed with which the screw was burrowing. Once the screw was unmovable and completely submerged into the depths of this heart, I saw the hand continue to turn the screw driver. It turned and turned and turned, and wouldn't stop. I thought to myself, "God why does the hand keep turning there is no where left for the screw to go." And God replied with, "I'm stripping it."

Taking a closer look I saw that the fitted head of the screw was now smooth and seemed as though it would be impossible to turn by any means, much less try and remove it from this solid wooden heart. The Lord began speaking to me and He explained that the wooden heart was His heart and the screw was me. He revealed He was securing me into a deeper place within His heart. This new depth will cause pressure to be placed on things in my life that may hinder me from fully deepening myself in His heart, and consequently causing my flesh to die more and more with every turn of the tool He uses.

He continued explaining that once the screw was fully immersed in the wood, He chose to strip away the ability for interference. Anything else which tried to remove the screw would be completely ineffective. The screw was so stripped that nothing would take it from that place in the heart. While things may try to attack, they will be ineffective in their attempt because of the screw's permanence. God specifically highlighted two terms: stripped and ineffective. He emphasized the stripping He longs for us to give Him permission to do, and in turn, promises that every scheme, attack, or trial will prove to be ultimately ineffective.

This is the new season God spoke about; that as long as we allow ourselves to be pressurized, He will maintain a steady movement which deepens our place within Him and His place within us. For every barrier we surrender, the deeper we are wound and the tighter security we have in Him and in His presence. He is consuming us with Himself and we will have no desire to escape.

There's this feeling

I frequently get this feeling that I'm going to explode if I don't worship. Or even during worship, I feel like I'm not worshipping to my fullest ability. Not for the lack of trying, but I feel like my heart has so much more to give that is still undefined.

I was experiencing this feeling last night. The Lord has been overwhelming me with a new found love for Him. Worship has been consuming my thoughts the past few days. My humming is worship, my thoughts are on worship lyrics, my iPod is jammed with the same music... I can't get away from it! It's as if this is the only way my spirit knows to express my love for Him on a continuous basis throughout my whole day. My spirit is constantly engaged in worship to the Lord without consciously trying. AMAZING!

Yet, there is so much more I want to do. Within these past few weeks since the Lord has downloaded His love in greater measures, I've had such a burning to worship, but not just traditional 'church service' worship. The longing in my spirit is to cause worship to God's heart every where I go with everything I do and with every person I encounter. If my spirit is in unceasing worship to God, why would the rest of me do anything less? Sometimes I want to just sing at the top of my lungs as loud as possible and see what happens in the spiritual world. I'd expect nothing less than to be stared at and made fun of, but what if something like that, so bold and wreckless, would shift the actual atmosphere of the spiritual realm? Would it not be worth a few giggles and a pointed finger?

I think it'd be great. Now if the follow through was only as easy as the idea...

The Perfect Spot

I’d like to share a wonderful story from an experience I had last night, so here it is!

Once upon a time…

I live in an apartment with 3 other girls, and we all have our own cars with which to park within 2 spaces provided in the back of our building. Originally, I and one of my other roommates were parking in the back permanently. The other 2 roommate whomever they may be are left to find a parking space somewhere on the street.

The 4 of us decided that we were going to rotate parking each month so that everyone gets fair usage of the spaces provided. Now, I will tell you that I am mentally, and 99% of the time physically incapable of parallel parking. Therefore, you can assume I was a bit hesitant to give up my parking space since I have no other option but to do that which I can not!

Yet, I chose to compromise and try to make it work. Well, last night was the first night I was sentenced to the street. I was texting my fellow curb hugger roommate to check and see if it was hard for her to find a spot when she got home. Surprisingly, she said it wasn’t that hard. This encouraged me. We mentioned that we would pray about the months we have to be on the street, that God would have favor on us.

As I’m driving home I start declaring that God will give me a parking spot. But then I began to feel selfish by asking that and decided to change my attitude. Instead, I started praying that God would give me the supernatural ability to parallel park so that this wouldn’t be such an issue for me. Still at the end I snuck in a little, “but if you could give me a perfect spot that’d be great! Amen.”

I drive onto my street around 10PM. The cars are usually lined up so I was expecting to have to search for a few minutes for a spot. With in a few inches of being on my street I see a spot where I am pretty sure I could fit into, but something in me felt to try a little closer to my apartment. I figured I would have to turn around and that I would end up in that spot anyways so I was actively praying that God would save that spot for me. Then, as I’m nearing the end of the street and the front of my apartment, I see what can only be thought of as an illusion. There is a parking spot directly in front of my apartment building right before the drive way making it PERFECT to drive right into without one bit of hassle. I thought to myself, “Wait, this can’t be real. Am I really allowed to park here?” But sure enough, it was the PERFECT PARKING SPOT just like I had prayed for minutes earlier.

Once my car was in park I burst into laughter at the awesomeness of God and His love for me! I couldn’t fully grasp the greatness of what He did for me in that moment, but I can tell you that the joy of the Lord was spilling out of me like a gushing waterfall!

… The end!